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Loss of a spouse or life partner is the last thing you probably want to think about. We understand. The fact is, accidents, illness, and natural death can occur at any time. The more we get on in years, the odds that one of you will pass away increases. We want to bring this difficult subject to light due to the consequences and ramifications of losing a spouse or partner while homesteading.
Many couples go into farming or homesteading as a team, and often, one partner or spouse is the team leader; meaning the one who is more enthusiastic about homesteading. They are the partner who shoulders the majority of the responsibility for the physical work and keeping the homestead operating. After working together on the homestead for a while, partners usually fall into a division of labor that works best for both of them. Adding children to the mix will also determine how the division of labor goes with mom often being the one to organically take on the indoor and childcare duties when children are very young.
To lose a partner at this (or any) time in life is devastating. The fact is that the homestead will remain with all of its responsibilities and obligations. There are people and animals to care for, and farm duties do not cease when someone passes away. It can seem like the world has fallen apart, but it’s all still there in spite of your bereavement. It can be a monumental task just to get out of bed in the morning while immersed in grief, let alone take care of children, animals and a homestead.
While you can’t stop the loss from happening, some discussion, forethought, and planning can give families a framework for moving forward should the unthinkable happen.
Estate Planning
For a couple of any age that owns a home or property, it’s never too early to do your estate planning. The need increases, should you have children or other dependents that you want cared for.
Getting your plans and wishes down on paper and making decisions about the future will start all sorts of important discussions and conversations about what you might want to do if one of you were to become incapacitated or pass away.
What if you both pass away? Who would you deed your land to? Who would you trust to carry out your wishes, should you become incapacitated? Someone will need your power of attorney, both medical and financial.
Both you and your partner or spouse need to file advanced directives in case one or both of you is unable to communicate your wishes for end of life care. Otherwise, you may end up with a stranger or hospital administrator making those decisions for you.
Dispersion of Animals
If you’re on a thriving homestead with livestock, chickens and family pets, you have a duty and responsibility to plan for their futures as well. This is not something that’s a normal part of legal estate planning but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to put your wishes in writing and keep it with your estate paperwork. At the very least, your spouse or partner should be entirely clear about your wishes for your animals on the homestead, should they decide not to continue to homestead without you.
It’s a good idea to contact local large and small animal rescues and see if they have any procedures in place for this type of situation. Contact family and friends and inquire about them taking over your animals in the event of your death.
If you know that your time is short, placing your animals should be a priority. Do this while you can. If you love your animals the way most of us do, the question of their future should be as settled as you can make it. Once you are gone, you don’t know what might happen to them.
Should You Stay?
This is the burning question for surviving spouses. If I lost my partner, could I stay on the homestead? Could you do everything you do now, plus what your partner did alone? Are you able to hire help? In the midst of grief and loss, would you be able to make the hard decisions necessary to keep the operation going, or would it be too difficult to manage without your partner there for support?
These are difficult and necessary questions you should be asking yourself and each other when you think of the future. Many surviving spouses sell out and move closer to adult children or other family members. They might downsize from the homestead acreage to a more modest and manageable living situation. Many times it comes down to financial concerns, and the sale of the property will bring income that will give the surviving spouse options for their future and their own end of life care.
If you can’t imagine living the lifestyle you’ve had without your partner, or know that physically you will be unable to continue to thrive, don’t wait until things get unmanageable or out of control. Have a plan in mind before things go south. Talk it over with your partner as you discuss estate planning and end of life issues. Even if you choose to deviate from the plan when you’re actually faced with it, at least you have a general idea of what options are available to you. Talk it over with your family, adult children, siblings, etc., and get their input as well.
Rethink Priorities
Discussions of estate planning and the future of life on the homestead require you to rethink your priorities.
We can become so focused on the every day, the earning of money, raising children, the seasons of planting and harvest, that an accident, injury or death can knock the legs right out from underneath us and leave us floundering without any idea of what to do next.
That’s why it’s so very important to have a plan in place, to have these difficult conversations and really quantify and nail down our priorities.
It’s kind of sad and disturbing to play that “what if” game, but it’s necessary in order to secure your future on the homestead and beyond.
Division of Labor With Children
Homesteading is often a family affair, with older and adult children doing their part to balance the workload required to keep it running. With the loss of a partner, recruiting your able-bodied children to come work on the homestead is one way to keep it going into the future. Not all future generation homesteaders want to remain, but having the family pull together in your time of need is invaluable for healthy grieving and the logistics of everyday life. Even young children can pitch in and help as far as they are able.
Options For Assistance
You don’t have to go this alone. There are not-for-profit organizations for seniors, those that specialize in free legal assistance, and other support organizations religious and otherwise that you can reach out to for help. Ask around in your community and meet with people who have been through this. Get the input from someone who has been there, and knows what you will be facing.
Reach out to your veterinarian and local humane organizations regarding the rehoming of small animals and look into local livestock auctions and other options for the sale of large animals, should you need it.
Accidents and Injuries
There’s no way to predict accidents or injuries and we can only prepare so much for these events. Your discussion of end of life, and future plans for the homestead should also include conversations around incapacity, whether temporary or permanent.
Have a list of people you can call to house sit, and do child and animal care, should you need to go spend time at a hospital or rehab center.
Look into meal delivery in your area, either through a local church or, if you’re near a city, companies like DoorDash and UberEats, even Meals On Wheels can be a great help with food delivery when there’ s an invalid in the home.
Look into a home health aide to come stay with your partner while you take care of the daily running of the homestead, childcare duties, etc.
Taking someone to physical therapy three times a week is a time drain as well as a financial strain. Enlist the help of neighbors and friends to help with chores when you cannot be at home.
Age-related Issues
The older we get, the more difficult it is to maintain our homestead the way we once did. Part of your conversation around planning for end of life and the future should consider downsizing or bringing in a business partner or ranch hand. There are all sorts of options open to you while you’re still able to function and make important decisions for yourself.
You might sell and get a place closer to services, with a smaller home and/or less land and fewer animals.
You might move to a smaller place (bring in a tiny home or mobile) on your property and lease out the main homestead to another family.
You might move your adult children in to help you keep things going. Letting them take over the running of the homestead, while you retire to a smaller home on the property.
You could hire a hand to help lighten the workload for you and take over the heaviest tasks on the homestead. You might decide on an assisted living situation or long-term care for aging and infirmity.
A Five Or Ten Year Plan
It’s important to know that none of this is set in stone. Whatever your plans are, they are subject to change. It’s nice to have your plans in place now, then revisit them in 3-5 years, or in 10, depending on your age and how things are going at the homestead.
It only takes one life-changing event to throw a monkey wrench into all your plans, so you must be willing to be flexible, to re-think and re-prioritize your wants and wishes for the future based on what is best for everyone.
The main thing is to get the conversation going and start thinking ahead now for the future.
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